What is Trauma Bonding?
A trauma bond is an attachment that builds over time between an abusive person and the one abused. Trauma bonds form when an abusive person expresses affection and regret after each incident of abuse, or when the victim believes the abuser isn't completely evil. One of the many reasons that leaving an abusive relationship can feel confusing and overwhelming is trauma bonding.
The most serious and dangerous outcome of trauma bonding is that positive feelings developed for an abuser can lead to a person staying in an abusive situation. At best, this can lead to more abuse, and at worst, death.
Now that we know what trauma bonding is, let’s talk about how you can identify if you are in a trauma bond or not.
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Signs of Trauma Bonding
You Make Compromises to Appease Them
You lose your sense of self-worth as a result of a toxic trauma bond, and you eventually lose control over your behaviours and their repercussions.
They've unconsciously programmed you to harm yourself because you've been conditioned to feel you're unworthy of safety or peace, so self-sabotage becomes your instinctive response.
You feel stuck, and a sense of learned helplessness develops.
Toxic individuals encourage you to harm yourself — it's like committing psychological murder with clean hands.
You keep your emotions hidden from them
Trauma bonding leads you to completely disregard your feelings and emotions. You try to cover your emotions if you are unhappy and the abuser is joyful. You hide your joy if you are happy and the abuser is sad.
If you're depressed and suicidal, but your abuser is singing and playing music in the house, you'll most likely hide your feelings and go along to get along. This is one of the key signs of trauma bonding.
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You try to justify your partner's bad behaviours
If you jump to their defence and justify their acts toward you, even though they're clearly wrong, you're in a trauma bond. When you can do better in a healthy relationship, you should both stand up and accept responsibility. It's a red sign if they blame you for their bad behaviour and refuse to accept responsibility for their mistakes.
You're exhausted and don't want to talk about it
Conflict is tolerated and sometimes welcomed in healthy relationships because it is considered as an opportunity to strengthen the bonding. It also shows that you have enough faith in each other to satisfy your needs.
However, maintaining the status quo causes a lot of worry in trauma-bonded relationships. You don't want to dig any deeper because fighting can be exhausting and leave you feeling powerless. As a result, you choose to overlook what's actually going on and hope for a behavioural change. On the other hand, you may try harder to avoid upsetting them by justifying their bad behaviour as your fault.
You Crave for Love And Attention
Most people who have been abused just want love and affection, and sometimes they only want the abuser's love and affection.
It's almost as if the person craves the abuser's love and attention so badly that they'll go to any extent to get it.
When we're in relationships where we're starved for love and support, small and occasional displays of affection, can feel deceivingly satisfying.
You Can’t Let Go
You are a sensible, intelligent individual who can see right through this person's actions. You're aware that they're mistreating you and privately despise them.
However, whenever you muster the courage to leave, they shower you with compliments and crumbs of attention.
You end up mistaking these crumbs for the entire bakery, and you doubt yourself.
Conclusion
Trauma is an unavoidable part of life. However, it does not have to be a life sentence. Trauma bonds can appear in many different types depending on the sort of relationship, but they usually show themselves in the ways described in this article.
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